My Morning Routine

This is a snapshot of a summer morning, during the summer of 2020, when my youngest babe was a new arrival to our family :) A real messy, real life morning. Wouldn't have it any other way! (p.s. don't worry my skincare routine has improved since then)



6:45 am: Wake up. No alarm necessary, someone is screaming as per usual. Stumble into my little kids' bedroom. Peel my youngest off of the shelf he is climbing and potato sack him to the bathroom.


6:50 am-7 am: Change pull up, bribe youngest to pee in the potty with an M&M. Wash his hands that he dunked in the toilet. Pee and complete "skincare routine" (splash water and a little dial soap on my face cuz that's the only kind of soap we have left).


7 am: Go back to their bedroom and tuck middle child back in to sleep longer, putting a towel under his butt when I realize that he peed the bed for the third time this week. Make mental note to strip bed later while knowing I probably won't remember until smelling it at bedtime.


7:05 am: Negotiate with preschooler to go downstairs to watch shows. I am whispering in an attempt to let other household members sleep. Preschooler does not share this concern and is screaming "Mamamamamama UP" in an attempt to convey his wishes to be carried.


7:05-7:10 am: Carry preschooler downstairs and make coffee. Preschooler wants to "help".


7:10 am-7:40 am: Put Moana on the TV, plonk "helpful" child in front of it. Remake coffee which has been spat in. Mop up numerous creamer spills. Sit on couch snuggling child and drinking my medicine.


7:30 am: Give my kid a warning that in 10 minutes, the TV is going off. He happily and calmly agrees.


7:35 am: Give my kid a warning that in 5 minutes, the TV is going off. He happily and calmly agrees.


7:38 am: Give my kid a warning that in 2 minutes, the TV is going off. He happily and calmly agrees.


7:40 am: Announce it's time for breakfast. Turn off the TV. Do deep breathing exercises while purposefully ignoring the piercing furious screams of my Devil Spawn, I mean child.


7:40-7:50 am: Make oatmeal and defrost frozen pineapple amid cacophony of angry screaming and crying. Eyeball angry preschooler and decide to make second cup of coffee.


7:50 am-8 am: Perform exorcism aka redirection on hysterical demon I mean child. Child promises to have a quiet voice. Sit next to child and drink my coffee while refereeing breakfast. You may think hmmmm she doesn't need to referee only one kid is up. Think again, this kid likes to turn eating into a multi-sensory experience.


8 am-8:15 am: Help preschooler mop up the battlefield aka the table. Rinse dishes and load dishwasher while preschooler plays in the sink. Say "Keep the water in the sink" 500 times. Say "No water in your mouth" 200 times. Give up and drink the rest of coffee #2 while my child sips on dishwater that's been sitting in a pot that was soaking overnight. Prepare formula and water for middle kid's breakfast.


8:15 am-8:30 am: Go upstairs, small and now soaking wet sidekick in tow. Haul middle child out of bed. Middle child smells like pee but is in excellent spirits and greets me my ripping my ponytail out. I put him in a full nelson which he is thrilled about and start feeding him via his g-tube, dodging his attempts to rip out the tube and/or kick over the breakfast cup. I take a quick break from tube feeding because preschooler is signing "help" and on the verge of a meltdown. His rocking chair needs to be moved 4 inches to the left. He can do it himself but Mom NEEDS to do it :/ Move rocking chair, finish tube feeding.


8:30 am-9 am: Set up second "playing in sink station" for youngest child, this time in the bathroom. Strip off wet PJ's and leave him to play in his pull-up. Put middle child on a towel and tow him down the hall to the bathroom. Fill tub, strip off pee pee diaper, pick up 70 pounds of wiggly boy/UFC fighter and deposit in tub. Bathe middle child. Say "Keep the water in the sink" 600 times. Put middle child in a headlock and brush his teeth. Drain tub. Drain sink. Facilitate preschooler wiping up the water that got out of the sink. Actually wipe up the water. Slather half a bottle of lotion onto middle child's chronically dry AF skin.


9 am-9:15 am: Transfer wet, slimy lotion octopus out of tub and onto towel. Tow octopus back into the bedroom, closely followed by preschooler. Feeling left out, preschooler has stripped off his pull up. I am now the only non-naked participant. Negotiate the diapering and dressing of other two participants. Participants are very vocal about their negative feelings towards this.


9:15 am: Both boys are clean and cutely dressed. I settle middle child onto his therapy pad, then tell my youngest it's time to wake up Papi. I potato sack him into our bedroom and dump him directly on top of my partner's head, my cue that his shift has started. Covered in sweat and children's bodily fluids, I head to the bathroom to shower and beat my face with makeup I got on sale at Target using a brush I have washed approximately never.


*For realz though, how do those beauty blogger moms do it? Like, do they lock their kids in a dog cage every morning? Do they get up at 3 am? Cuz that's the ONLY way I'd be able to like work out, eat avocado toast with a side of kale and put on a full face of makeup before 9 am. It's a mystery man. To all my regular moms out there, we got this. That drugstore look looks great on you ;)

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